You can't pray and complain

It is impossible to do both. You need to get your heart into a pure place to address God. Now God doesn't mind you talking plan, but to just complain you are trying to be in a one-sided conversation. You have to be open to response. It doesn't always happen immediately. Sometimes it takes a couple of days. God is always waiting on us to get to a place where we can hear and understand.

I know you will hear people saying all the time they are waiting on God. Or they are in their waiting season. All things have to fall into alignment. Sometimes it is God knows you aren't ready, sometimes it is your destiny helper isn't ready or where they need to be, sometimes the delay is because demonic. John the Baptist had to be born before Jesus. He was to announce the coming of our Savior.

As I was driving home the song I will have a strong finish, because I have strong faith started playing. It lifted my spirit. I began to sing it loud and with confidence. My faith is only strong because how faithful God has been in my life. I have been doing my best lately to just show my gratefulness throughout my day even when it isn't going my way. God's plan is greater, and I want his will not mine. I heard a message that said God is doing the things that just comes to my mind because he loves me that much. I began to cry. I know I have done nothing to deserve such an amazing creator.

Grateful

There were a lot of things lack and survival taught me that I had took on as who I was. I was guarded, aggressive, and shut off emotionally. I remember the day I thought I want to feel something other than anger. Even my joy was tied to anger. I couldn't feel anything without feeling anger. I felt I was owed something because all I had been through. I wanted a story to be put out so everyone could realize all I had been through. One day I realized everyone is going through their own mess. They probably wouldn't care.

It didn't make me angry. It made me realize that this was something I was going to have to figure out for myself. I started praying for God to show me how to love myself. I couldn't require it from no one else if I couldn't provide it for myself. I spent years crying over who didn't love me. Never thinking it was something I could provide. I had been giving others all I had for them to return the favor. When all I had to do was turn it inward.

At first it was superficial, but I was a work in progress. Day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year. I started learning what I was missing. What I genuinely needed. That an external factor couldn't provide it. It was me and God who had to work this thing out. God isn't an external factor to me. The soul he put inside me makes us one.

We started working that thing out and it took a while because my flesh kept telling me this is how it should be. God kept reminding me his plan was greatest. I kicked and screamed for a while but there is nothing like the feeling of being under God's grace, mercy, and love. I'm so grateful God never gives up on us. We may give up, but God will be right where we left him at. Waiting patiently for us to seek him. He will never force himself on us. God holds all the answers, all the love, comfort, compassion, guidance, direction, peace, joy, correction you will ever need.

Looking back at things you have written

I have been hearing that I should be looking back at old journal for the last couple of days. I pulled my journal out from earlier this year I haven't got the chance to dive in just yet, but it will get done today. I recorded a video that I have been wanting to do for years looking back in old notebooks I see it written over and over again, but I never recorded. I read my approach and realize I wasn't ready.

I laugh at that I thought that was the best way to deliver it but that is just where I was at the time. I am proud of myself for always having the mind and heart to help. To be able to finally record it yesterday felt so good. I was still nervous about it after all these years, but I think it is good to be nervous that way you never move in ego. I got done and realized I didn't say everything I wanted to say but the video was almost 40 minutes. I have to stop worrying about the length at get the message out because those who are meant to get it will.

The notebook was dated 2018 I can't believe it took me 6 years to be at the place to make these videos for the ones coming behind me. The truth is I wasn't ready any sooner than now. I am the one who was meant to speak to the ones coming up behind me. My previous version with all the best intentions was still too raw and hurt to be helpful like I wanted to. I was still bleeding trying to patch others up. So, I thank God, he didn't allow me to release it until my wounds had healed. I may still have some scares, but I took the time to care for myself and dwell with God on how to move forward.

I am grateful to be walking into the version that can be who I always wanted to be. Confident in who God created me to be. Bold in the things I need to say. Emotional intelligent that I no longer have to lead with my emotions but won't let them be overlooked. Spiritually strong that I know to seek God in all I do. Mentally capable not to be played over. Physically strengthened to know this is the temple God gave me to have this human experience and to treat is as so.