The good in goodbye

For years I had a hard time waking away from people or them walking away from me. When I went into foster care, I lost everyone I knew but my sisters. All in one day. It had created this need not to lose anyone else. So, no matter what the relationship lacked I always looked for the good, because I couldn't bear losing anyone else. My trauma had me believing anyway.

I was in a cycle of taking whatever was given and then taking days to regroup from the hurt of it. Then right back at it to do it all over again. I was being taken advantage of from my jobs, because I worked hard, they worked me into the ground. I was around friends that didn't like me, talked about me, and tried to make me insecure. Dating boys who weren't emotionally available, and neither was I. They got what they wanted, and I was telling myself it was even encounter. When I was alone, I would cry. Asking God why did he put me hear if there was no one who was going to love me?

One day I was ready to receive God's love and oh how God poured. It was like life had got shocked back into me. I could breathe deeply. My eyes were open. I had always been loved, but my heartache made me seek it in the wrong people. The way I felt God's love I was disgusted with the things I had settled for. I couldn't entertain it a minute longer. At first, I had just began taking more time for myself. I started noticing people I wasn't even considering didn't like me pouring into myself more than them. I owed it to myself, and I began to see people's true colors. I won't say it didn't hurt but I was grateful that I was living different to attract different.

I said all this to say yesterday my therapist broke up with me. She had been dropping subtle hints, but yesterday she said I will book your next appointment in a month, or we can just end it here and you reach out if you need anything. This would have definitely triggered old Tasha. Current Tasha was proud that I was in a place I was no longer letting my past determine my future. I said thank you for all her help. She met me at the greatest heartbreak of my life so far. She gave me room to feel everything I needed to feel and move through it without judgement. I experienced my first good goodbye.

You have to put old things down

You have to put old things down, to pick new things up. You have to put your past down to pick up your future. You have to put down singleness, to pick up marriage. You have to put down the spirit of offense to pick up accountability. You have to put down pain to pick up healing. You have to put down bad habits to pick up good habits. You have to put down chaos to pick up a healthy lifestyle.

I know easier said than done. It is a must though. It won't happen overnight. You will even decide to set things down and realize things are still tethered to you. You will realize you have on a backpack. That you have things clipped to your belt buckle. It is ok. You have made the first decision in subtle changes. All you have to do is do your best not to pick them back up. Stay focused on seeking God. You will need to partner with God to get out of this.

It won't be easy. It will be a death of your old self. You will lose people. Your old life will no longer exist. The people around you won't understand what is happening. You living differently will make them feel judged. There will be tears. Just keep going because the desire in your heart that God gave you to live differently. Has to be greater than holding on to what is familiar. To have what God wants for you will bring you into a completely different life. That will be constant flow of peace, joy, love, understanding, and accountability.

Thinking about the past and not feeling it.

I have finally reached a point that I can think and talk about the past hardships and not feeling it like I was reliving it all over again. I am so grateful to God for lining up everything I needed to get to this place, and also changing my mindset to allow me to walk into it. I am so grateful for my now. A few years ago, I couldn't see this place in my life. A place where i am no longer trapped in the past. I am also no longer focused on knowing the answers to what will happen next.

Living in my current moment has shifted something in my life. Breathing deeply and moving in gratitude daily. I am facing a new existence. Not just for me but for my marriage, and our children. The things that are being drawn to us is something I couldn't imagine. Stepping into rooms and spaces that is only the hand of God. I know I couldn't do this on my own. I don't even attempt to foul myself that is in my own strength. I thank God throughout the day for all the things.

It was God that helped me heal up the pain I continued to step in to charge me up. I was using my pain to make me angry enough to do something differently. I was using my pain to shock my brain that I deserved better. I was using my pain to fuel me, pushing myself out of what trauma had made normal. God orchestrated healing in my life that I have not only made peace with it all. I am grateful for it. It took it all to create the woman who I am today and for the things I am meant to do.