Trusting myself

Eww child it has been a struggle. I used to ask myself if the people who created me didn't care, who could? It also held me back from caring for myself and loving myself properly. I put myself in situations that I honestly knew better but I just didn't want to be alone or wanted to feel anything. Even if it was pain. Pain was a feeling that I had normalized and could handle. Me and pain had become frenemies. I hated it but it had become such a large part of my life I couldn't live without it. Love came with pain is what I had told myself.

Something in my heart and gut was screaming that I deserved better. I didn't know how to get there, so I excepted what I was given. Honestly when the screams started outweighing my reality, I didn't want to lose anyone else. I had lost my whole family and all my friends in a day when I entered foster care. I felt I would break if I lost one more person.

God began to pour into me that he put something in me that people needed. I took that as a sign that I needed to stay around and help the people that were causing me pain. I know God was up there shaking his head. I eventually got it when I began to feel used up by the people I was pouring into. I started realizing I had to have a standard on how people treated me. When I started setting boundaries, I seen people's anger against me for not wanting to be taken advantage of anymore.

I had to isolate and just spend time with God. I cried for a while for the lost but then God began to push me into what I needed to be doing. I was focused, in a way that I never had before. I was taught that if I was in partnership with God. I had all I needed. God would bring the right people in, keep me focused on what he put me here to do, and allow me to be of service to who he called me to help. Building my relationship with God allowed me to trust myself for the first time. Survival mode allowed me to trust I would get what I needed. My relationship with God allowed me to trust who God created me to be mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. The heart and soul God gave me I truly want the best for people. I now trust I deserve the same.

Born with Everything you need

Just think about that. You are born with everything you need. Your parents are just the portal to get you here. God knew everything you would need to become who he created you to be, and he put it inside of you. He knew what you would face, and he gave you the things you needed to counteract it. He knew what you would lack, and he put it inside of you to remind you, you lack nothing. He knew that you would hit a wall and put a soul inside that would remember who God is.

I was thinking on the hardest times in my life. There was a voice reminding me I deserved better and that I would feel an abundance of love. The times when I wasn't doing the right thing that I knew better, and to get it together. When it got so hard that I didn't know what to do I knew to call on the one who created me for help. I sought God when I needed comfort and love. When it got too hard to get to the desires he put in my heart. I knew I had to take my hands off of it and give it back to God. Ask God what I needed to do. I knew I couldn't do it without him.

That was the best decision I have ever made. Not to say there wasn't times I thought I could help him get me there. I was reminded quickly he doesn't need my help. He put inside me a knowing of his love, grace, mercy, faithfulness, and that he would honor what he told me. It was enough to keep me alive to see how this would play out. As our relationship is reestablished and strengthened. I have a knowing of who backs the desires of my heart. I have a confidence that my past was not a preview of my future, but a training ground to face what will come without fear. I am unshakeable in the knowing of who God is and the love he outpours, which taught me that because I come from him I carry that love to pour out.

God, I thank you for being so intentional in the forming of me. I will give you all the glory. Everything beautiful that comes from me is because of who you are.

Leading in Love

This week I read something on Honesty. It said you can be telling the truth, but honesty calls you to ask three questions. Is it the truth, is it kind, is it helpful? Honesty is truth with love. This is coming from a person that used to move in a way that people didn't like me because I told the truth. What they didn't like is that I didn't care how it made them feel. I had put walls around myself that I didn't have to worry about people leaving if I never let them in.

God has been pulling me into who he created me to be in the last few years. I have not felt comfortable moving in the way I used to. I have had to think before I speak. I have even got to the point that I am stung by people around me speaking to others without considering how it would make them feel. We are in a time were people need to be awakened to who God is and what Jesus has done for us. It isn't going to happen with us yelling scriptures a people. It is going to take us reflecting the love that God fills us with towards them.

I have been looking through my spiritual eyes when I have been out lately. There are things that I personally have a distaste for. Cigarette smoking being the top of my list. I have been called to help people that are doing that exact thing. Me doing what I am supposed to kills down the smell or maybe it is the winter's cold and how the wind has been blowing. Either way when you are being obedient the things that normally bother you are put aside. Leading in love is looking past yourself because what we are here for is bigger than us.

We have to move in a way WWJD. I'm laughing typing that because I know it dates me. What Would Jesus Do? We have to move in a way that reflects the one who saved us. We have the greatest intercessor. Jesus came and gave his life for us that we can be different. That God can see us different and hear us again. God moved in love, and it is our time to do the same.