I don't have the answers, but God does

For the last year. I have been completely being dependent on God for what to do next. It has been a struggle on this side but spiritually I have become stronger than I ever knew I could be. He has also blessed me with a husband that has lightened the load, but that is even God breathing life and health into him every day that he can.

I remember at the end of last year I was working to become a trucker. I had it in my mind that I could get to what God showed me by giving it my all for a year. God reminded me that he was going to do it for his glory. I had it in my mind that I would give God the glory for allowing me to get the opportunity. I would have been recording probably daily because I would have been alone, and all people would have seen is the sacrifice I put in. The hours I worked and being separated from my husband. I would have been complaining about a decision I made and talking to God about why it was so hard.

My husband asked me why I wasn't doing it. I got frustrated because I thought he was just focused on the money. Even though the money was a factor, When I went to talk to him, he said he watched me work so hard, and be proud of myself, and knock one thing down after another. I had to tell him I don't have the answers. It made me feel insecure not to have an answer, but God has me working on something else. I need to be obedient.

I won't say there wasn't times even recently that I felt like I need to do something. I need to get a job and get some extra money flowing in. What I did was talk to God and get back in peace that he will do what he said he would do. I have been building my relationship with God, finishing and working the jobs God gave me to do, healing up, and getting physically strong. There is no job I can ever do that will provide what God has planned for me. I will continue to do what God has told me to do, and he will get all the glory for what has shifted in my life.

Looking back on dumb decisions

God took me on a walk down memory lane of all the dumb decisions. From choice in men, to trying to show my importance, to things I did that could have changed my life forever. I just had to say thank you Lord for all you have done for me. thank you for saving me from myself.

I even felt the emotion that caused me to make the choice or decision. I really felt at the time like that is what I wanted or needed. I was at a low point emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. All my decisions were coming from a desperation that no one could love me if my parents did even know how to. I was excepting the bare minimum, and it is even hard to admit that. It is the truth. I just wanted someone to keep showing up. For the most part it was at their convivence, but I told myself that's how I liked it as well. Thats just what I was used to.

I never had consistency in anyone but God. I didn't even believe it was possible. People had their own lives to live and when they can make time for me. I will show them why I am worth more time. One day God shook me and reminded me who I was to him. That this is never what he intended for me. That I was loved so much and just sit with him on what he thinks of me. I did and I couldn't even accept the fact that people thought I was an option. I lost a lot of friends. I now had a standard that I couldn't ignore. I no longer wanted to do the things I had been doing for years because I didn't need it anymore.

I didn't need to distract myself from my life. I wanted to live it. See what I truly had to offer and what this life had to offer me. I now realized I wasn't just Anthony and Beverly's daughter that had been in foster care. That had been on her own since she was 16. That had been in survival mode in every aspect of her life. I belonged to God. He had something special in mind for me. Everything I had been through was preparation for what was meant for me to do in this world. The enemy thought I was no longer a problem. That he had distracted me from what was mine, but I turned and asked God. I am coming back for everything God promised me.

Hold on, and wait on God

This has been a reoccurring theme over the last two years. I know that for the ones that have also been waiting it is hard. As it gets harder, we want to figure it out for ourselves. We start thinking of plans and ideas to get out of the situation we are in. I know I have been there, but I have yet to execute the plan because I know what God is doing is so much greater. God has been so patient with me, who am I to rush what he has going. God' time and ours is so different.

In my waiting I try to take advantage of being in the moment. Being grateful for the things God is doing daily. Breathing breath into my body. allowing everything to work. Teaching me how to be natural and not take in less chemicals. Let's just be honest we live in America, but anything I can do to avoid taking them in I am. Working on me healing not just as me anymore, but I am now a wife and mother. I have to heal what that looks like because I have never been here before.

What I can tell you and it may be different than yours because God allowed me to see mine. I know God has got it to you one way or another. It will be so worth it. We can't even do a piece of what God can do when we just sit back and let him work. I know it seems like it is never going to come but if you get ahead of God in what he is doing. That is what you will get. What you can do without God. I don't know about you but no thank you. If God's hand ain't in it. I rather wait til he does it and can get all the glory.