Grateful

There were a lot of things lack and survival taught me that I had took on as who I was. I was guarded, aggressive, and shut off emotionally. I remember the day I thought I want to feel something other than anger. Even my joy was tied to anger. I couldn't feel anything without feeling anger. I felt I was owed something because all I had been through. I wanted a story to be put out so everyone could realize all I had been through. One day I realized everyone is going through their own mess. They probably wouldn't care.

It didn't make me angry. It made me realize that this was something I was going to have to figure out for myself. I started praying for God to show me how to love myself. I couldn't require it from no one else if I couldn't provide it for myself. I spent years crying over who didn't love me. Never thinking it was something I could provide. I had been giving others all I had for them to return the favor. When all I had to do was turn it inward.

At first it was superficial, but I was a work in progress. Day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year. I started learning what I was missing. What I genuinely needed. That an external factor couldn't provide it. It was me and God who had to work this thing out. God isn't an external factor to me. The soul he put inside me makes us one.

We started working that thing out and it took a while because my flesh kept telling me this is how it should be. God kept reminding me his plan was greatest. I kicked and screamed for a while but there is nothing like the feeling of being under God's grace, mercy, and love. I'm so grateful God never gives up on us. We may give up, but God will be right where we left him at. Waiting patiently for us to seek him. He will never force himself on us. God holds all the answers, all the love, comfort, compassion, guidance, direction, peace, joy, correction you will ever need.