Looking back on dumb decisions

God took me on a walk down memory lane of all the dumb decisions. From choice in men, to trying to show my importance, to things I did that could have changed my life forever. I just had to say thank you Lord for all you have done for me. thank you for saving me from myself.

I even felt the emotion that caused me to make the choice or decision. I really felt at the time like that is what I wanted or needed. I was at a low point emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. All my decisions were coming from a desperation that no one could love me if my parents did even know how to. I was excepting the bare minimum, and it is even hard to admit that. It is the truth. I just wanted someone to keep showing up. For the most part it was at their convivence, but I told myself that's how I liked it as well. Thats just what I was used to.

I never had consistency in anyone but God. I didn't even believe it was possible. People had their own lives to live and when they can make time for me. I will show them why I am worth more time. One day God shook me and reminded me who I was to him. That this is never what he intended for me. That I was loved so much and just sit with him on what he thinks of me. I did and I couldn't even accept the fact that people thought I was an option. I lost a lot of friends. I now had a standard that I couldn't ignore. I no longer wanted to do the things I had been doing for years because I didn't need it anymore.

I didn't need to distract myself from my life. I wanted to live it. See what I truly had to offer and what this life had to offer me. I now realized I wasn't just Anthony and Beverly's daughter that had been in foster care. That had been on her own since she was 16. That had been in survival mode in every aspect of her life. I belonged to God. He had something special in mind for me. Everything I had been through was preparation for what was meant for me to do in this world. The enemy thought I was no longer a problem. That he had distracted me from what was mine, but I turned and asked God. I am coming back for everything God promised me.