The good in goodbye

For years I had a hard time waking away from people or them walking away from me. When I went into foster care, I lost everyone I knew but my sisters. All in one day. It had created this need not to lose anyone else. So, no matter what the relationship lacked I always looked for the good, because I couldn't bear losing anyone else. My trauma had me believing anyway.

I was in a cycle of taking whatever was given and then taking days to regroup from the hurt of it. Then right back at it to do it all over again. I was being taken advantage of from my jobs, because I worked hard, they worked me into the ground. I was around friends that didn't like me, talked about me, and tried to make me insecure. Dating boys who weren't emotionally available, and neither was I. They got what they wanted, and I was telling myself it was even encounter. When I was alone, I would cry. Asking God why did he put me hear if there was no one who was going to love me?

One day I was ready to receive God's love and oh how God poured. It was like life had got shocked back into me. I could breathe deeply. My eyes were open. I had always been loved, but my heartache made me seek it in the wrong people. The way I felt God's love I was disgusted with the things I had settled for. I couldn't entertain it a minute longer. At first, I had just began taking more time for myself. I started noticing people I wasn't even considering didn't like me pouring into myself more than them. I owed it to myself, and I began to see people's true colors. I won't say it didn't hurt but I was grateful that I was living different to attract different.

I said all this to say yesterday my therapist broke up with me. She had been dropping subtle hints, but yesterday she said I will book your next appointment in a month, or we can just end it here and you reach out if you need anything. This would have definitely triggered old Tasha. Current Tasha was proud that I was in a place I was no longer letting my past determine my future. I said thank you for all her help. She met me at the greatest heartbreak of my life so far. She gave me room to feel everything I needed to feel and move through it without judgement. I experienced my first good goodbye.