Trusting myself

Eww child it has been a struggle. I used to ask myself if the people who created me didn't care, who could? It also held me back from caring for myself and loving myself properly. I put myself in situations that I honestly knew better but I just didn't want to be alone or wanted to feel anything. Even if it was pain. Pain was a feeling that I had normalized and could handle. Me and pain had become frenemies. I hated it but it had become such a large part of my life I couldn't live without it. Love came with pain is what I had told myself.

Something in my heart and gut was screaming that I deserved better. I didn't know how to get there, so I excepted what I was given. Honestly when the screams started outweighing my reality, I didn't want to lose anyone else. I had lost my whole family and all my friends in a day when I entered foster care. I felt I would break if I lost one more person.

God began to pour into me that he put something in me that people needed. I took that as a sign that I needed to stay around and help the people that were causing me pain. I know God was up there shaking his head. I eventually got it when I began to feel used up by the people I was pouring into. I started realizing I had to have a standard on how people treated me. When I started setting boundaries, I seen people's anger against me for not wanting to be taken advantage of anymore.

I had to isolate and just spend time with God. I cried for a while for the lost but then God began to push me into what I needed to be doing. I was focused, in a way that I never had before. I was taught that if I was in partnership with God. I had all I needed. God would bring the right people in, keep me focused on what he put me here to do, and allow me to be of service to who he called me to help. Building my relationship with God allowed me to trust myself for the first time. Survival mode allowed me to trust I would get what I needed. My relationship with God allowed me to trust who God created me to be mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. The heart and soul God gave me I truly want the best for people. I now trust I deserve the same.