Another year of marriage down

Today is my wedding anniversary. Life been lifing so hard I honestly didn't know if I wanted to celebrate. I did it though. I got through another year. Don't I deserve to celebrate that? I decided that I do. We always take a trip but this year it conflicts with another trip my husband had planned. So our trip is pushed back. What can we do today to celebrate?

I began looking things up online and digging in to see if it is something we can both enjoy. I poured through so many things. Nothing stood out. Well, some things did but it was just summer things nothing for today. I just sat back and thought about what we have been talking about but have not done. Of course, food is the first thing that pops into all of our minds, but I have to stay focused. I'm going to go pick up our favorite fruits and go to top golf. I got the air conditioner fixed. I know he would appreciate that.

Just be present in the moment and go play together. We both are competitive so we can burn off some pent-up stress and release it. Have a nice drive, play a little, and eat some mouth water fruit. I saw that squeezing a lemon on watermelon changes the game, so we are going to try that. Just sit back and reflect over another year married. Check in where we can be better, gas each other up for what we did well, and talk about what we would like to see in the new year.

There was a time I didn't think I could be a wife. That I couldn't be a good mother. God came in and worked it out that I am confident I am. Not perfect but I move in love and intention to do it well. God showed me grace and mercy by not letting my heart harden from what I experienced in this world. That I now decide to be what I need to believe is out there. If I can be it I know it can be real.

Man Listen

I have been in a world of feeling everything and nothing at all. I have been in a spiritual growth that I am able to see the balance in it all. The highs and lows. Light and darkness. Strength and weakness. Feminine and masculine. Love and heartache. Day and night. God and the devil. I have been fighting so hard to leave one for the other. The truth is you will never live in one place without the other. No matter how demonic the place you have gotten God is waiting for you call. The closer you get to God the more the devil will show up to stop you from seeing what God intends for you.

I faced something that has broken the woman in my family for generations. I was angry that I could be betrayed in the same way. How could I have done everything differently and still face the same fate? I cried, I yelled, I asked questions, I sought wisdom from spiritual advisors, and I just sat with God. Like what did I do to deserve this? I was confident nothing. It wasn't about me. Did it still hurt me? Absolutely. I had to be honest with myself that I saw it coming. I literally dreamed about it.

Would I let it affect me in the same way? No. It stole a piece of them. It stole their peace. Whether is shattered them emotionally or turned them cold and hardened their heart. I'm not shattered nor hardened. Did I wonder what I could have done differently? For sure. I even got wisdom from sitting with God that with him. Nothing or no one will get the best of me. I asked God to strengthen my discernment in wo is for me and against me. Now I know I can do right by them either way.

God knows the way to check and clean out your heart. From things you allow to make you feel justified in mistreating others. I had to get corrected in feeling justified in doing people wrong if they do wrong to me. God got it covered he seen it all. Let him watch you do the right thing. Even when your emotions are screaming for payback. When the people who know tell you rage is justified or even tell you God can fix it. I had to shut out everything and see what I thought. Could I forgive? Yes. Am I emotionally and mentally secure that I could be around them and not want harm to come to them? Yes. Has the trust been broken? Yes.

God got me. The only thing that has shattered was my facade. The only thing hardened was my faith in my creator. It's time to clean out. Pray. Dwell with God. Drink water. Eat fruits and vegetables. Get sunshine. Go breath some fresh air. Put your feet in the grass. Take deep breathes. No weapon formed against you shall prosper.

His name is Jesus

I remember there was a time I couldn't say the name Jesus. Church hurt in a combination with hurt from my family. It seemed like when I was hurting the most everyone around me was calling that name. I guess I figured if they knew him, I didn't want anything to do with him. Knowing him didn't change their character for the better. I actually tied every form of abuse with his name. I thought my life would be better if it no longer involved.

There was a point even though I was healing. I did everything I could do on my own. I had been talking to God, but something was missing. Rather someone was missing. His name is Jesus or Yesua. It wasn't until I started calling his name that the things I was talking to God about began to fall into place. Also lifting the weight of everything I was carrying. I was able to let things go that I had been carrying for years because I was reminded someone walked this earth, loved us unconditionally, and died for me. So, I could know God for myself. That I no longer had to bear the weight of the ones before me but answer for myself.

Now when I hit a hard time I know where to go. I'm not saying it is easy. I'm still human and still wonder why this happened to me. I also know with Jesus I'm equipped better than I ever was on my own. I have a faithful, dedicated, consistent, loving, no nonsense confidant I can go to. That I can pour out my heart to without judgement. Now I know he be side eyeing me sometimes because I know the answer or no better, but he still listens. His death caused the Holy Spirit to be able to flow through me. Not to just be able to connect to God but carry him. Know him inside and out. I owe my life for that and I give it full heartedly.