His name is Jesus

I remember there was a time I couldn't say the name Jesus. Church hurt in a combination with hurt from my family. It seemed like when I was hurting the most everyone around me was calling that name. I guess I figured if they knew him, I didn't want anything to do with him. Knowing him didn't change their character for the better. I actually tied every form of abuse with his name. I thought my life would be better if it no longer involved.

There was a point even though I was healing. I did everything I could do on my own. I had been talking to God, but something was missing. Rather someone was missing. His name is Jesus or Yesua. It wasn't until I started calling his name that the things I was talking to God about began to fall into place. Also lifting the weight of everything I was carrying. I was able to let things go that I had been carrying for years because I was reminded someone walked this earth, loved us unconditionally, and died for me. So, I could know God for myself. That I no longer had to bear the weight of the ones before me but answer for myself.

Now when I hit a hard time I know where to go. I'm not saying it is easy. I'm still human and still wonder why this happened to me. I also know with Jesus I'm equipped better than I ever was on my own. I have a faithful, dedicated, consistent, loving, no nonsense confidant I can go to. That I can pour out my heart to without judgement. Now I know he be side eyeing me sometimes because I know the answer or no better, but he still listens. His death caused the Holy Spirit to be able to flow through me. Not to just be able to connect to God but carry him. Know him inside and out. I owe my life for that and I give it full heartedly.

Working in Rest

I know this seems counterproductive. There is a time whether you chose to or whether it is forced because you pushed yourself past your limit and now you are sick. Rest is a necessary thing you have to do as a human. I am one that it is hard for me to sleep in and not do nothing even on vacation or at other people's house. I feel uncomfortable just sitting around doing nothing.

I just have to put my hands on something or check in with the host to see what they need. My trip to Senegal was a rest I didn't know I needed. I had never experienced being served and cared for in that way and they did not know me. Meals cooked, laundry done, room cleaned and getting me out the house. I did not need to think about anything. I was completely relinquished of responsibility to focus on God and reset for my return home.

I knew I was going to vlog but I found it hard not to record videos and write. I knew then it wasn't just work to me. I love doing what I do but it was different. I worked in rest. I didn't force myself to be up early. I didn't force it if I didn't have anything to record. Even when I was recording for vlogging. I got what I needed and put the camera down. It was actually beneficial that I did not have a crazy amount of editing to do. My work was more organizing the footage and figuring out the best way to break it down to create videos.

It has carried over with the I deserve love not because of what I do but because I am. I realized that I feel if I am not productive that I am not worthy. Not that I feel like I should do nothing but if I don't it's ok. It is hard for me to do nothing in a day. I'm working on that because if I'm tired I deserve to rest. It also has a lot to do with watching my mother in her depression stay in bed for days. It's like if I stay in bed, it can suck me into a depression unknowingly. I am being kinder to myself with resting when I need to. I have to thank Betty and my time in Senegal for that.

It is for you

I was watching a video yesterday and the Apostle was asking someone had they ever dreamed, he named some extraordinary things. The man so no, but then he named something the man had told him he had dreamed. He said you received that because it was for you. It brought me to tears later on in the day as I thought about what he said. There have been things I have dreamed and thought I was letting my imagination running wild.

It came to my mind because God is going to use me to do it. I won't be able to do it in my own strength. I know this for a fact I have tried. The things I have seen I have been seeing for over a decade. The closer my relationship has got to God through Jesus Christ the more I have been able to see and the bigger it has gotten. If I would have seen what I see now back, then I would have brushed it off as fantasy.

I have grown spiritually and believe that the God that created me can. He is just using me to take dominion in the earth. He is using me to be a kingdom ambassador and broaden his kingdom here on earth as it is in heaven. Just as how he has shown you is for you. He has been preparing us that we can handle it once it comes. Also, that we and everyone around us that witness the blessings know it was God. He will get the glory for it all.

He needs us to know we can't do it without him. He needs the ones watching to see God's hand is on what is happening. It will always happen in his divine timing. It may seem that we have been taking to God about it for a long time. God sees all the pieces that need to be in place for it to be successful. He does not want us to get and lose it. It is meant to be not only a lifetime but a generational blessing. Don't rush into something just for you. That you leave the generations behind you to have to start all over.