Importance of Partnership

With everything that has been going on I was so glad to have my husband. I told him it couldn't have been with anyone else. From his help with getting in and out the bed to just being here to hug and kiss me when the sadness hit. I have needed him.

I have been getting back into our normal with me cooking and cleaning again. I know he has missed me taking care of him. He is a bit spoiled, but I do enjoy taking care of him. I has been hard not to be who I am used to being for him, but he has been rolling with whatever comes. It is our first time going through something like this, so I won't say it hasn't been hard at times for both of us.

Right as I am coming back into myself, he is down from a tooth ache. He will get pampered today because he deserves it. He has also been going through everything I have and because it was physical for me, he has had to take care of me. I have tried to keep it in our conversation that I am also sorry for his loss. He is more logical than emotional. He definitely has had his moments, but he wants to shake it off and focus on what is next.

Even him choosing to be home with me to make sure I was ok meant a lot because he could have distracted himself with work. We needed each other and I am glad we had this time together. I thank God for bringing us together. I didn't know we would face this, but I am glad we had each other in this time and that God has never left us.

What was meant to break me

I finally found out I was pregnant for the first time. The line barely showed up on the test, but we were so excited. I felt protective to over it though. I didn't want to share immediately. I don't know if I wanted to wait until I knew for sure or just wanted some time to sit in the bliss of it all with just me and my husband.

Eric couldn't hold it in for a few minutes. He wanted to tell the girls right then. He looked at me and said are you going to tell them, or you want me to? We headed down to share the news. Anna was excited and Patience was in shock, but both were happy. They started discussing if it may be a boy. I just cried with joy and hugged them.

It wasn't long after I started feeling pain in my left side. I began to start getting constipated, so I thought it was from gas. I just paid it no mind as something I would have to deal with, I didn't have morning sickness so I thought this would be my burden. I started becoming worse the pain was getting so bad that it was starting to affect me. I began sweating, intense cramping, and feeling lightheaded. Eric started getting worried saying he didn't remember this with his daughter's mother or his sisters.

I told him they were all young my experience would be different. So, I began hiding the pain I could because I was finally pregnant, and I could do this. With in the matter of weeks, the day before my appointment to confirm I began bleeding. I told myself don't think miscarriage I googled what else could cause it and they said it was common. This bleeding felt like my period had started.

I couldn't say I was miscarrying, and I didn't want to hear I didn't want to hear it from anyone else. I headed to my appointment at the VA, the bleeding was back at spotting. As soon as I began talking to the nurse, she stopped taking my vitals and called for the doctor. He came in with sympathy in his eyes and started apologizing for my loss. I started think you haven't even taken my vitals. You can't know that. They told me to head to the emergency room.

I had emotionally checked out I called Eric in tears, asking how they could say the baby was gone? I told him they told me to go to the hospital, but I was going home. I wasn't ready to face it. I went home and ran a bath and turned on worship music. I asked God why this was going so wrong? I waited until I was married, I got myself together mentally, emotionally, and physically, and this was my first pregnancy. Why couldn't I just enjoy it. The worship music soothed me until I came to let your will be done. I went straight to sleep.

The next day I was ready to come to terms with I was losing the baby. Clots started dropping out and I felt so emotional. We were so happy our family was growing, and it was over as fast as it started. When Eric got home, I told him I was ready to go to the hospital. We headed over and I just cried the whole ride. We checked in and waited to be called. They finally called us back and took blood they had got the urine sample while we were in the waiting room. We sat for hours without word. I told him I know I'm losing it, let's just go home. The nurse came for the ultrasound.

Eric stood up to come with me and they said he couldn't come. I didn't want it. I don't believe it is good for the baby or me either for that matter, but we needed to know what was going on I was still in so much pain. I cried during the ultrasound and regretted letting them do it after they surprised me with the vaginal ultrasound, I felt so numb. I got back to the room crying saying I shouldn't have let them do it.

The doctor came in an hour later saying the pregnancy was ectopic. The baby was stuck in my fallopian tube and the needed to surgically remove it. I was just wrapping my head around the miscarriage, what was he talking about. I wasn't having surgery. I honestly came so my husband can have a note to stay home and mourn with me. I wasn't expecting this I began to call the nurses I knew this couldn't be right. The first one that answered said you can ask for a second opinion. That was all I needed to hear I told them I wanted a second opinion. He told me he was the only one on duty for the night. I told him I would go to another hospital. I just wanted a way out to think about everything I was just told. He told me he was worried it would burst and I die.

Wait, what? Me staying silent about this pain, almost made my husband a widower. The only choice they were giving was an emergency surgery that may take my tube. I got a hold of a childhood friend of mine that was also a nurse. I knew she would give me an out if there was one. She loved me and wouldn't let them play over me. She said they were telling the truth I could die if it burst. I looked at my husband as tears rolled down my face. I felt guilt. I wanted this baby so bad that I stopped thinking about myself and him.

I told them that I guess I had no choice, as soon as I signed the forms. The Chaplin came in and I thought it was prayers for me and forms if I didn't make it. It was about what we wanted done with the babies remains. I couldn't take anymore. Eric said he wanted to pray. The came in and stared getting me ready for surgery, and I asked the nurse to excuse us to pray. She asked could she stay I looked at Eric and he said she could. He began to pray and as soon as he finished, she picked up with prayer. I thought we were going to go to a room before but as we walked up the hall, they asked did I want a final hug from my husband? I asked the nurse to feed him because I didn't get a chance to. I hugged and kissed him as we both cried, I didn't want to let go.

I felt like I was in the twilight zone and when I entered the surgery room the nurse introduced me as Nicole. This had to be a dream, as the other nurse walked over and called me Nicole. I said I am Natasha they must have had me in the wrong room. They proceeded to put me on the bed I just begin to pray. God put your hand in this room. The doctor asked me my favorite place to travel, and I was out.

I woke up and they had me in an area to monitor me before they took me to the recovery room. I asked was he able to save my tube. They responded with let's get you back to your husband. I was excited to let him lay his eyes on me and see I was ok. I got to the room and asked the nurse again about my tube. She looked at Eric and his eyes were full of tears. I said somebody please answer me. The nurse told me he had to take my left tube and ovary. I burst out in tears. How did my first pregnancy turn into this?

On top of all the emotional pain I couldn't even move on my own. They were saying give it 2-3 weeks. I felt so overwhelmed. All I could do is thank God I was alive as I looked at my husband laying sleep on the couch. I seen the pain as he watched everything that had transpired. God was there, everyone I came across leading up to surgery. The nurse, chaplin, and even the doctor. The doctor that came and did my checkup told me that I would still be able to have children. I just had to focus on me being alive at the moment but the reassurance was nice.

Our oldest is off to college

We left out early Wednesday to take our oldest and drop her off to school. I had been talking to her about how she felt about it even at her going away party the weekend before. She kept saying it hadn't hit her yet. That morning as we loaded her stuff into our cars, I could see it was beginning to set in it was really happening.

When we got up to her room, they had already unloaded her mom's car. She had chosen her area, and all her roommates were there. We had come with the most people. Her dad and me. Her mom and stepdad and her sister. The room was crowded. We unloaded what we brought and headed down for everyone to eat.

I told Anna I would go with her to pick up her art supplies. It was about a five-minute walk, so we just walked over. As we headed over you seen the campus area turned right back into the neighborhood quickly. I told her I didn't want her walking by herself. Make sure she had a buddy with her. We got to the art supply store, and she had already preordered her stuff. We just got in line and gave her name; she picked it up.

This stuff was heavy I'm glad I came with her no way she would be able to carry it alone. She still had to take it to her classroom which wasn't open yet and also bring a stool. Our baby is going to be an architect. Me and her mom discussed why they wouldn't have let us drop it off while we were there. Anyway, we got it up to the room. We headed to Walmart to get the final things she needed.

As soon as we got in there Eric was looking for t-shirts to rep her college. He found a few but a manager directed us to a whole aisle of them. He hit the motherload. He got one for everybody. We ran back into them getting snacks. Patience was a little salty Anna was getting everything she wanted. I told her she was going to have someone constantly still shopping for her. It didn't make much of difference to her.

We headed to check out and Anna wanted to get one last outfit. I went with her to pick it out. The top she wanted they didn't have in her size. She was almost tempted to get it anyway. I found er size in a different color. It worked out. Her mom called saying they were next in line. We headed over and got everything loaded in the car.

We were on our last ride together. The whole family minus her stepdad. This is how it started, and we were dropping her off to her new chapter. We unloaded the haul into her room all her roommates were gone. We took pictures, prayed, and said our goodbyes. She asked, "you guys are really leaving me here?" It was finally hitting her, she would be doing this on her own.

She walked us down to the car. She walked with her mom as we headed across the street to the store. I know that goodbye was hard for her. I seen it all over her face as she met us at the store. I looked at pillows and nails with her, as Eric finished up. As we walked to the car the walk seemed so long. Were we really going to leave her. We were she was all grown up and starting a new book where she didn't need us like before.

Her dad hugged her, and she joked about him trying not to cry. As I went to hug her tears started streaming down, I wasn't ready. I told her to call us for anything. Even if she just felt lonely. She recorded as we waved goodbye. She really grew up and was living in another city. We had a two-hour drive back without her. She is going to do great. I can't wait to hear about all her new experiences, and her first semester. We will probably call every day.