New Environments

I have been feeling a pull this week to start getting out and experiencing new things. New things to match my new version. I have found a couple things I would like to try and smile thinking about the new people I will meet and the conversations I will have. Being my authentic new version.

I woke up today and it was heavy on my spirit to get out the house. The first thing that popped into my mind was Easton. Which is our well to do shopping area. They have an outside area for me to work and get some sunshine. I got up this morning and put on a head wrap and let my curls hang from the top. I have not worn a head wrap since I combed out my locs. It fit today I looked in the mirror and smirked and said you look cute. I found a cute dress and thought this is it.

I took my husband lunch and headed to find a good spot to work. When I got to the park area people were enjoying lunch in the surrounding restaurants, and there were children playing in the water that shoots up in the center of the park. I was immediate glad I came. I found me a nice spot that was shaded so I can work without my computer overheating from the 83-degree weather I would be enjoying.

I brought me some watermelon and mangoes to enjoy. I love to people watch so I have to stay diligent on getting work done, but it was meant for me to get in an environment where people where enjoying themselves. I said all that to remind you that it is important to switch it up. Get out of your normal routine. Go to a place that you enjoy but don't go often. Find a new place you just want to experience.

Go to places for your new version. Start getting dressed for your future. Start carrying yourself with your chin up and chest out. Let your energy draw people and new opportunities to you. Don't get caught up in when and where. Just be who you need to be when everything shows up.

Who does God know me to be?

A question I have been pondering the last couple of years. God said "I knew you before you were in your mother's womb." So I have been inquisitive, who was I before the world got a hold of me? Who was I before the enemy tried to take me out as a new born? Who was I before molestation? Who was I before abuse? Who was I before my father walked out? Who was I before my mother's depression? Who was I before abandonment and neglect? Who was I before the cult? Who was I before foster care? Who was I before I realized no one loved me? Who was I before I gave myself to men, friendships, and jobs that never valued me?

Who was I that the world didn't want me to know? First, I had to realize I was now letting in the things that were stopping me from knowing the answer. I had to remove myself. I had to put down the things that were clouding my mind from caring about the answer. I had to feel in a way I stopped wanting to at 5. I had to let all the things that I had been hiding in my body and mind come back up. I had to get angry, sad, weep, thought I needed to understand it. I couldn't understand it. What was I supposed to do with all the things I let come back up?

Release it. I heard from a quiet voice. How can I let go of the only thing I knew? Pain. The voice asked, me didn't I always know it was supposed to be different? I answered yes. I had been chasing and longing for something different. Unconditional love, but how would I ever get there if I didn't even know how to love myself? The voice said, spend time with me and I will show you. I began sitting with the voice in nature. It was God. He began to show me situations I had put myself in and that he protected me. I never even thought about all the danger I put myself in. I realized when I was 23 that I had been going through life ready to die any day. What was I here for anyway. I told God on that birthday that I was gratefully he had kept me alive and I wanted to know why.

Everything didn't change but I started listening for that voice more than I was wanting to hear from the people around me. I started seeking the only one that cared about me being safe, comforted, lonely, and feeling loveless. The way God poured into me through the holy spirit. I had felt like a prize possession. I never felt tike that before. God knew everything I had done. His love wasn't conditional. It finally dawned on me to ask God for help. To help me be who he intended me to be. I knew I had to get a bible. I realized I had blamed Jesus for a lot of my heartache. Everyone that hurt me as a child said they knew him. How was I blaming him for the decisions of man.

I got my relationship right with my Savior. I was able to feel the Holy Spirit like never before. I began to go through seasons. Ups and downs but I kept building my relationship and it began to change me into better versions each season. I still have not met the version God knows me to be but I am getting closer everyday. I never knew I would be able to heal into this version. So I sit in awe and gratefulness for God's faithfulness, for who he is, and his love. Today I asked God for forgiveness for thinking I knew better than the one who created me. I apologized for the mistakes I have made known and unknown. I surrendered to thinking I know anything at all. I said your will not mine. Show me who you made me to be. Hallelujah

Promises of God

Seek the promises of God. I got up knowing I had to crack open the bible and find the promises of God. It is so important to counteract the enemy and doubt with what God has said to you. I searched through the bible for the ones I knew. Then I searched the verses online that I knew but did not know where. Finally, I just searched the promises of God online and found the scriptures and wrote them down.

I just filled my mirrors and computer borders with the promises of God. I was amerced in it. I knew it needed to get done today. It took some time, but time well spent. After I finished, I went from room to room reading them out loud with where they are located in the bible. I was just so grateful to God for giving me this last night.

After I thought I was finished I watched a video that had another good one. So, this is probably what I will be doing all day. If I hear it, I will find it and write it down. It is so needed in my home with all the warfare that has been taking place. The devil needs to know God don't play about me and I don't play about God.

Jeremiah 29:11 really stood out "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" I hope this starts you with writing yourself love letters from the Lord today.