Who does God know me to be?

A question I have been pondering the last couple of years. God said "I knew you before you were in your mother's womb." So I have been inquisitive, who was I before the world got a hold of me? Who was I before the enemy tried to take me out as a new born? Who was I before molestation? Who was I before abuse? Who was I before my father walked out? Who was I before my mother's depression? Who was I before abandonment and neglect? Who was I before the cult? Who was I before foster care? Who was I before I realized no one loved me? Who was I before I gave myself to men, friendships, and jobs that never valued me?

Who was I that the world didn't want me to know? First, I had to realize I was now letting in the things that were stopping me from knowing the answer. I had to remove myself. I had to put down the things that were clouding my mind from caring about the answer. I had to feel in a way I stopped wanting to at 5. I had to let all the things that I had been hiding in my body and mind come back up. I had to get angry, sad, weep, thought I needed to understand it. I couldn't understand it. What was I supposed to do with all the things I let come back up?

Release it. I heard from a quiet voice. How can I let go of the only thing I knew? Pain. The voice asked, me didn't I always know it was supposed to be different? I answered yes. I had been chasing and longing for something different. Unconditional love, but how would I ever get there if I didn't even know how to love myself? The voice said, spend time with me and I will show you. I began sitting with the voice in nature. It was God. He began to show me situations I had put myself in and that he protected me. I never even thought about all the danger I put myself in. I realized when I was 23 that I had been going through life ready to die any day. What was I here for anyway. I told God on that birthday that I was gratefully he had kept me alive and I wanted to know why.

Everything didn't change but I started listening for that voice more than I was wanting to hear from the people around me. I started seeking the only one that cared about me being safe, comforted, lonely, and feeling loveless. The way God poured into me through the holy spirit. I had felt like a prize possession. I never felt tike that before. God knew everything I had done. His love wasn't conditional. It finally dawned on me to ask God for help. To help me be who he intended me to be. I knew I had to get a bible. I realized I had blamed Jesus for a lot of my heartache. Everyone that hurt me as a child said they knew him. How was I blaming him for the decisions of man.

I got my relationship right with my Savior. I was able to feel the Holy Spirit like never before. I began to go through seasons. Ups and downs but I kept building my relationship and it began to change me into better versions each season. I still have not met the version God knows me to be but I am getting closer everyday. I never knew I would be able to heal into this version. So I sit in awe and gratefulness for God's faithfulness, for who he is, and his love. Today I asked God for forgiveness for thinking I knew better than the one who created me. I apologized for the mistakes I have made known and unknown. I surrendered to thinking I know anything at all. I said your will not mine. Show me who you made me to be. Hallelujah