The Shift

I laid down last night and instead of turning on the tv like I usually do. I laid in the bed and just spoke plain and transparent to God. Letting him know where I am struggling, what I want to see, and feeling all this knowing his plan is greater. I trust and love God with all of my heart, but my uncertainty with man sometimes creeps over in my belief. God help my unbelief. I fell asleep talking to God.

I woke up and was feeling drained. I have been feeling this for a couple weeks now. As I am pushing forward with what God is revealing to me. The warfare has been heavy. Trying to keep me exhausted from doing what I need to do. I get up shake it off and get in my bible every morning. Then I am able to do what I need to do for the day.

This morning as I talked to God I began to cry and worship, because everything I was talking to him about I could not imagine last year. I had to take a step back and remember all God has brought me through. God literally began to show me. As the images of the most painful points of my life and God bringing me out of them flashed in my mind. I just began to say Hallelujah. I literally could not do anything else.

God has been so good to me. I realized that I was just being impatient. God already showed me what is coming. I already know it is going to happen, and have the nerve to be sad because it isn't happening fast enough. When just a year ago I could not imagine my life to be what it is today. Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah!!! God has brought me through and out of so much. He is blessing me daily. Guiding my steps into my new. Healing me of my childhood trauma, and some trauma I caused myself. Creating me into who he meant for me to be here. I just became a Doula. God is showing out.

Today I walked into my shift, and I will never be the same again.

Transitions

Although being in a transitional time can be a little scary. It has been my experience that it usually leads to a better place. My experience also tells me that you need to completely lean into God for guidance in your next steps. As much as we want to think we know what is best for us. God created the plan.

I am currently in a time of a lot of things transitioning in my life. As I watched our oldest graduate yesterday, it really sunk in that we have to cherish this time with her. Her father and I pray that God covers her in this next chapter. As she steps into her own. I want to know that everything is going to be fine for her, and overall it will be. Life will still happen and that is something she will have to navigate. I pray that she come to us when she needs help.

I think about how we want to have all the answers for our children, but don't even have all the answers for ourselves. God knows we can not handle it all. He would never overwhelm us with the weight we can not yet carry. God will always show us pieces of it to keep us moving forward. He knows who he made and gives us vision. I pray that we are who our children need when they come to us unsure.

I have not yet carried a child, but I pray regularly that he blesses me to be the portal he brings his greatest creations through. That I learn to love, nurture, and rear them as he has done for me. That I be graced to be the mother my children need. That I have the wisdom to get out of God's way so they can be who he created them to be.

I know for sure I walk stronger and more courageous into each transition because my relationship with God grows stronger daily.

Graduation Day

Today our oldest is graduating High School. I still laugh about that because Lord knows I am not old enough to have a senior. I definitely know I needed her to be at the place I am in, in life. When I met her she was just 13 years old.

Today I look in the face of a young woman eager to start her next journey. She got her license today too. It is really to much. The time flew by watching her getting her footing. Starting off High School. Liking her first boy. Making teenage mistakes. Navigating friendships. Thriving in her academics. Sitting with her through the tears and laughter. Watching her learn from it all.

Walking in and being apart of her dad and my union. Her getting a boyfriend. Talking to her about college, and going through the last couple months of her High school years. Watching her go off to prom, and getting her first taste of independence. Having her first night out until 1am. She will be walking that stage today. Getting her first car.

Today starts the countdown on her last summer as our little girl. In August she will have an address, where we will need to call ahead. Have to knock to enter. She will be on a schedule we don't know about and have to check and see if she is free. She has become a beautiful young woman right before our eyes. Today is to celebrate you Anna. She is not only finishing but she is her class Valedictorian. I am so proud of you. I pray that we gave you everything you need to face the world, and if we lacked anything that we will always be here to ask and or lean on. We love you.