A day I never thought I would face

Today is a hard day. I never thought I would live a day like today. All the things I been through and all the pain I have faced I just never seen today being one of them. I am in a cycle of gratefulness for being alive, confusion about what the last couple days have held, and the heaviest loss I never thought I would know.

God knows I am so grateful for everything he has been, for he is, and everything he will continue to be. I am just so lost in today. Even as I know things like this will be a part of my testimony, a setback is just a setup for a comeback, and this too shall pass. I am in the present moment of a great heart ache that also comes with a physical pain that won't let me forget what is happening.

I am in a crazy place of not being ready to talk about it and needing to, so I don't lose my mind. I have been having so real honest conversations with God and my husband, but it doesn't feel like enough. I want answers. I did everything I knew what to do to set us up for the best outcome and it changed nothing. Nothing I could have done that could have changed this situation.

Nothing I could have done. I am living in a nightmare. In the matter of hours not only did I experience a loss, have my own life and death experience, but also went through something that can never be undone that changed my life forever. I don't know what to do but to talk to God and go through my phases of on and off tears. Just grieve and ask God for strength to get through it. God, I thank you for my life.