God, I thank you for the pain

I have been having to sit in a different form of gratitude. A gratitude I thought I had found before. Thanking God for revealing things to put me back on the right path. It is a hard thing to be grateful for heartbreak. Even if it is walking you into better. Heartache is something that will make you grieve losing the things that continue to hurt you. Yesterday I seen something that said, "why are you crying over no longer living the pain instead of being grateful you no longer have to?". Ugh it is hitting me again as I type it.

Why am I not just grateful I no longer have to live through things that hurt me? It's because I have to face now that the whole time it was my decision. That is what it is. We want the person that caused the pain to be a villain. We want it to be somebody else's fault. How long did I know something wasn't right? How long did I see a red flag and think I could clean it out the stain? How long did I sit in a bad situation to make everything I was healing feel like more of an accomplishment?

One day I looked up and nothing made sense. I was angry and wanted answers. Answers for what? Did I see it all coming? Yes. Was it something I had seen before? Yes. Was I surprised? Only at the scale of it, not that I was living it. It hurt because of who it was coming from. I had created what it could be in my mind. No longer living in the reality of what it was. I had to put on my rose color glasses because I had made promises. Promises to who? The one that couldn't see pass themselves to see me.

God, I thank you for showing me I need to keep my word to you. You are the one I need to worry about. I had exposed my hand and allowed them to trump my cards one by one. Saying all the right things because I told them what I needed to hear. Being what they needed to be only to stop my disconnection. God, I apologize for being so willingly naïve. I know you used it for my betterment. You leave nothing wasted. All things are working for my good. God, I thank you for never losing site of me when I lost sight of myself.