God's Love

For my whole life I knew God was with me, but with all the pain and heartbreak I faced I couldn't understand God. It got me to the point where I only spoke to God when I was on the brink of a break down, feeling loveless, or just needed something I didn't see around me. I would often question God why did you create me to be abandoned, neglected, and without love. The creator of all things and you couldn't create one person to treat me the way I need to be cared for.

I numbed those feelings for the next decade with weed, alcohol, and sex. These things I could control. I could say when, where, and how much. I could fill up on these thing to the point I didn't have to feel anything if I didn't want. Well, that is what I told myself anyway. I would wake up the next day always regretting something. Even if it was from the way I dragged from just drinking too much. I would feel a sense of power from my sexual encounters because the men I knew didn't care about me like I needed. I had them in their most vulnerable state. They could never say they loved me or even when they did I never believed them. They didn't even know how to love themselves. In that moment I felt powerful, but only until they left again. I would smoke to relax and not think so much, but I often found myself thinking very intensely on things that didn't matter at all.

With all the numbing I was doing for years I could have faced the issues and been better. It all happens in God's timing though. I needed to meet my husband where I was at. Although I had started my healing journey, was eating cleaner, and practicing abstaining. I was still dealing with disappointment the same way. He needed to know my growth and progress to some extent. He needed to be there as I healed my relationship with my parents. As embarrassing as it felt at times because I felt like an emotional nut case. I wouldn't change a thing. I hide emotional vulnerability for years and I know understand the power it holds.

I am now able to tap into my femininity something I seen as weak before. I wanted the upper hand, and all it brought me was more pain. God began to speak to me about it being bigger than me. I had felt so alone in this world. He began to show me I would be married and have children. I had began healing because being angry began to be just as painful as the experiences that created it. To know I would have someone counting on and looking up to me. I had felt that before I am a sister and aunt. Full time though people I could call my own that never leave. My husband came with children to get me working on it before I would ever carry and I am so grateful. I learned a level of patience I never needed before.

I woke up this morning around 4 am just thanking God that I am living in the things I prayed for. I don't know that I was praying then more fussing at God for leaving me without. God can always meet us where we are. God just wants us to never forget he is the only one that is always there. God is the first true love I ever knew. God is probably the only unconditional love I will ever know. We as humans are flawed and there will be times that a disagreement will make us think less of each other. God created me knows my faults and where they came from. I never have to explain why I am crying. I never have to explain why I am over the moon. I never have to explain why I am the way I am. I just have to keep showing up daily and having a conversation that I can't have anywhere else any way. God knows my thoughts and knows I am inquisitive. That my intent is never to be hateful or judgmental. I just want to understand.

God's love is one of a kind and I would trade it for nothing in this world.