Restoration may not be what you thought

The last couple of days I have been so grateful for the restoration that has taken place in my life. The honest truth the things that I thought I need when I was in my darkest places has nothing to do with the restoration I am thanking God for today.

When I was at my lowest I was praying to God about why me. What had I done to go through so much? To be left alone? To be abandoned, mishandled, and not loved? Why didn't my parents care for and love me. Why didn't I have the love he kept putting in my heart I should feel? Everything I was seeking was for the people around me to do things they had no idea how to do.

Although God has healed how I felt about all these situations. All I needed to do was seek God because the love he was talking about, was one only God could give me and teach me how to love myself. The love I had for myself allowed all the pain I had let in, as an adult anyway. As God worked with me how to love myself as he intended. Everything began to shift. I started seeing things I was doing to myself, what I was allowing people to do to me, and the lack of boundaries I had placed.

I was put in a period of isolation. In this time God was striping me of me. All the things that survival mode had me carrying.

When I reemerged I felt the difference. I was invited to an event and so much of my past was in the room. The things I use to yearn for, the things I use to do, and the people I gave so much of myself to. Had me surrounded, and I laughed at the fact that I was ever in a place that it meant so much to me at a period of my life. I was at a place now that it meant nothing to even engage.

I use to think the restoration was for people of my past to see me as God did. I now realize as I woke in discussion with God that my restoration is what I will walk forward in not that I have forgiven and laid all the pain down. I am walking into the best relationship with God I ever had. That I am walking into a healthy marriage, that I will have children that will be warriors of righteousness, that I will have land that I will not be able to see the end of any way I look, I will be able to be the help people seek, I will be eat as God intended for me, I will shift this world. I will give everything God gives to me back to God. None of it is about me. It is for the greater good and I will move out the way to work as God intends it.