Starting my motherhood journey with a teenager.

When I met my husband his oldest was 13 going into her 14th birthday. I still was not at a point that I had decided if I was going to be a mother. I was actually getting into the mindset that if it didn't happen soon I had to just be ok with being an Aunt. Look at God bringing a man in my life with children. I honestly battled with it a lot. Although I knew I had to be different from anything I had known in the form of motherhood to them. I questioned God on why he had me wait to have children if my partner didn't wait on me. I thought I know God has a sense of humor, but he would never play such a cruel joke on me.

I just knew I had to show up. I didn't feel old enough to have a teenager. Like did I have enough wisdom yet to share with her. Although many of my classmates where in this same boat. I hadn't made the decision to have me here yet. As far as carrying her but I did chose to be with her father. So all I could do was show up with love. She was very quiet and reserved. Her little sister was more out spoken. I didn't have to read between the lines as much, but I didn't know my place. I was still talking to God if I even belonged here. As the years when on I started finding my footing. Still not wanting to step on any toes. Surprisingly I got more push back from my partner than their mother. We had connected and I felt she knew I wouldn't bring them any harm. My partner on the other hand spent time with them with me side by side. He felt judged by my opinions. I was very outspoken because I too came from a broken home. There were times where I needed my father and he wasn't there. He had the opportunity but in some ways just did not know how. I seen certain things she never had to put words to, and would try to get ahead of them. Once she found the language to speak her hurt. My heart shattered. I felt like I had watched an accident happened that I had warned the driver about, but it didn't stop the crash. I spent a lot of time trying to prevent things from happening. When I was just suppose to be the ear that listened. Be the safe space she could be vulnerable with.

She has now had her 18th birthday and I recently watched her go to prom with her boyfriend. She has become an intelligent young lady that is about to begin her won journey. Accepted into every school she applied to ready to spread her wings. I wonder did we prepare her enough for the heart ache of the world. Does she know how to read people. I pray over her discernment. That she knowns who she belongs to, that she never get caught up in man's validation. I also have to be comforted in the fact that she is not like me moving this world alone. She has a tribe of people who loves her that she can call if something goes wrong.

As she leaves the house we are starting this journey all over again. The second oldest of 3. Just had her 14th birthday and will be starting high school in the fall. She has expressed the same struggles as her older sister. She even talked to me about how much her sister influences everything she does. It was so cute, because to know her it isn't anything she would easily admit. I thank God that we had a trial run already. That I will be able to show up better in a different way. With the oldest I was not only navigating what being a bonus mom meant but also navigating who I was to my partner. We are married now and I am able to take my rightful place as someone who will always be in their life.

I know I will have my own children I have seen twin boys in my dreams. I thank God for the opportunity to be able to help raise these beautiful young ladies. For them to to teach me what motherhood is really about. I spoke to them in my vows about what this experience has really meant to me. Not only the experience of learning from and loving on them, but them loving me back. God has always found a way to prepare me for my next. I just hope to continue to keep growing and getting better.