Walking into my new normal

This week I have been able to stretch again, take walks and begin getting back to my old routine. It has felt good beginning to do the things again that bring me joy. Not quite how I use to just yet, but I can, and I am so grateful for it. I feel like I take in things differently. Outside is bigger and better. Maybe I have just become more grateful for everything because I was faced with losing it.

I started counseling today. I told her I wanted to put my trauma behind me that it doesn't affect my future. She said it never goes away. Something happened that shook me and there will always be things that show up that will remind me of it. Maybe see someone that looks like someone, a sound, or even a smell can take me back there. The more I deal and work on it will be harder to trigger the button, but it will always be there.

Maybe it will make this process easier to know that. My previous healing I thought I needed to scrub the trauma out and felt like I failed if it showed back up. To know it was ok to still feel a hurt about it, and just be in a better place to process it differently took a load off me. I often think about how I will affect my children. I thought I had to clean all the stains of the pass to be who I needed to be for them. Today showed me if I am just aware of them and not angry that I can still be who I want to be for them.

Everything happens for a reason, and I would not have sought out therapy for anything else. I don't want to walk into my next pregnancy afraid, so I am going to deal with this head on. I can already see that other issues will be worked out. I thank God that the loss of my first baby may be just the thing that makes me the best version for the rest.