IDK

I was listening to worship this morning. I was overcome by the Holy Spirit and I just began saying I surrender. It was different than when I had talked to God about surrendering before. I just didn't know what I needed to give up.

I began crying and telling God. Whatever it is you want. Whatever I need to give up. God you can have it. Whatever you want for me to be in alignment. Whatever you want to get to what you have shown me. Just take it.

I am in a place of transition. Not knowing where I am going or what to do next. Sometimes we have to get to this place to get out of God's way. I need to seek him for everything because I don't know what to do, where to go, who I an without him.

I started talking to God about my current circumstance. I said if it was just for your Glory. Thank you for allowing me to be of service to the work of your hands. I was overcome with celebration because in that statement I knew I was different.

I definitely want God to get the glory but I often look at what God is trying to get me to. My gain and outcome from what i had to experience. God if it is only for your glory I thank you for allowing me to be used.

God, I thank you for the pain

I have been having to sit in a different form of gratitude. A gratitude I thought I had found before. Thanking God for revealing things to put me back on the right path. It is a hard thing to be grateful for heartbreak. Even if it is walking you into better. Heartache is something that will make you grieve losing the things that continue to hurt you. Yesterday I seen something that said, "why are you crying over no longer living the pain instead of being grateful you no longer have to?". Ugh it is hitting me again as I type it.

Why am I not just grateful I no longer have to live through things that hurt me? It's because I have to face now that the whole time it was my decision. That is what it is. We want the person that caused the pain to be a villain. We want it to be somebody else's fault. How long did I know something wasn't right? How long did I see a red flag and think I could clean it out the stain? How long did I sit in a bad situation to make everything I was healing feel like more of an accomplishment?

One day I looked up and nothing made sense. I was angry and wanted answers. Answers for what? Did I see it all coming? Yes. Was it something I had seen before? Yes. Was I surprised? Only at the scale of it, not that I was living it. It hurt because of who it was coming from. I had created what it could be in my mind. No longer living in the reality of what it was. I had to put on my rose color glasses because I had made promises. Promises to who? The one that couldn't see pass themselves to see me.

God, I thank you for showing me I need to keep my word to you. You are the one I need to worry about. I had exposed my hand and allowed them to trump my cards one by one. Saying all the right things because I told them what I needed to hear. Being what they needed to be only to stop my disconnection. God, I apologize for being so willingly naïve. I know you used it for my betterment. You leave nothing wasted. All things are working for my good. God, I thank you for never losing site of me when I lost sight of myself.

A good night

I woke up this morning to the black eye peas song I Got a Feeling playing in my head. All I kept hearing is " I got a feeling that (Woo-hoo) that tonight's going to be a good night. That tonight's going to be a good night. Tonight's going to be a good good night." I just laughed because where did that song come from. I haven't heard it in years and really that was the only part I know.

After I got in my word. I looked up the song with the lyrics. I listened to it to and was transported back to 2008. I remembered how I would look at my friends when it came on. How I would smile and dance knowing the song was confirmation that we would have a great night. As I listened to it I thought, "God what do you have up your sleeve?"

Whatever it is. Tonight is going to be a good night. God never just gives me songs for no reason. Maybe it is for someone else so I will share but I claim it for myself as well. I got a feeling (woo-hoo) that tonight's going to be a good night. That tonight's going to be a good night. Tonight's going to be a good, good night. As I typed that I heard a fire truck siren. Just further confirmation. I will move in today in expectancy.