Choose your hard

On this healing journey I have often felt alone. I don't think people truly understand how hard it is to face the hardest and darkest parts of your life. To clean out the back corners of your closet to live something different then you have seen. It is painful you have to remember and walk yourself back through it to look at it differently.

Healing is hard but it felt harder to stay on the path that was laid for me. It was harder for me to think about passing the trauma from the generations before me to my children without a second thought. It felt harder to sit stuck in my past then decide I deserve a future. Not just getting older but live a full, healthy, and life of joy. I had to break free from the hamster wheel and walk the path meant for me and my family.

I have cried a lot, relived the trauma, and realized I will never understand the choices of the ones who hurt me. I will never get some of the apologizes I deserve. I will not be able to redo the wrongs in the way I would rather live it. The relationships I would love to have will never happen from my past. What will happen is I will heal up to be able to choose differently and make healthier decisions for myself. I will create a new future for the ones who come from me. I will have a healthy relationship with my husband, friends, and children. We will communicate openly when things are going wrong and figure it out together.

The hard I chose is healing. I can't wait to see the benefits of saying the generations of trauma my family has carried, stops with me.

Opening up to God

Honestly this last year, but the last couple of months have been something else. It all has come from my experience with losing my first baby. I opened up to God in a way I wasn't able to before. Maybe I didn't know how but dealing with a pain like that I had to let God in every part of me to make it out.

I have never made a better decision. Now I am human so there will always be flaws but I know I am different. Not just in the way that kind of loss changes you. It opened up something I had locked away for safe keeping. Since it has been opened back up, I love differently, I am more grateful, and the peace hits different.

I opened back up that I am no longer emotionally afraid. It allowed me to let God in deeply. The way I have felt the spirit is in a way I can't explain but it is leading me now. I want to do the right thing even when the wrong thing will just hurt my waistline lol. I want to be my best version because what God has for me is so close. God deserves nothing less. I want to be everything he is calling me to be and I have to be ready when it the opportunity shows up.

Faith moves

I know we have been taught to pray when we are in need. They weren't wrong you absolutely should God is the ultimate answer. Remember prayer without works is dead and works without prayer won't get you to the ultimate destination either. You have to be working with absolute faith that God is going to come through.

Your works are to be ready when he come through. That you have done everything you were instructed to do so when God moves you can just walk into the door confident because you are in partnership with the lord. You may be able to doubt that you are capable alone but with God nothing is impossible.

If your faith in God is strong and you are being obedient to the things he is telling you to do your confidence should be on 1000. Your insecurities have to fade away because it is God at work on your behave not you. Jesus will work it out if you let him. The letting him is getting out of the way with your doubt, shame, insecurities, and holding on to past trauma. Give it all over to God and let him work.