Smiling Brighter

After everything was said and done God has the final say. The enemy thought this would make me lose my faith. God was a year ahead of him with the things he poured into me to begin to do. He had shifted my daily that I was waking up grateful, getting into my bible first thing, and talking to God throughout the day.

That even throughout my grief I was in autopilot on my routine. God alerted me to the plan to break my spirit with this heartbreak that I wouldn't walk into what God had shown me. I began to pray to God to help me come from under this pain and grief. God showed me the rainbow.

I smiled and laughed yesterday. I feel stronger after knowing God can get me through even this. I seen a picture of a cat walking, and it said going to talk to God. A lion underneath walking the other direction saying after I talked to God. God reminded me with him no weapons formed against me shall prosper. It won't work.

My smile is brighter. I said that nothing could break my relationship with God but seeing us come out of this closer. I am smiling from the inside out.

I seen a Rainbow

I began talking to God about coming out of this sadness I have been in. I originally wanted to know why but I have now gotten to the point that I thank God it wasn't worse. I am alive, I have my husband, we can try again, and God never left me. I started following the instructions God was giving me and it made me lighter.

Obedience is so important even in grief. I went to my post opt appointment and for the first time I talked about it, and I didn't cry. I called the funeral home, and I didn't cry. I called Eric and he asked me, what the doctor said? I was so glad to tell him I didn't cry. He told me he was proud of me, and I smiled as if I had won a real prize.

The night before I talked to God, and something caught my eye. Lights dancing on the wall at the top of the door. They were in the color of the rainbow. This is maybe the third time God gave me a rainbow inside the house. God is amazing. A rainbow always brings me joy, peace, and reassurance. God was telling me it was all going to be ok.

I realized I am ok. I caught myself saying I was ugh, and I had to stop and correct it. I no longer felt like that I felt better. I felt clearer mentally, I felt more in control emotionally, and felt the healing starting physically. When I was talking to Eric, he asked me did I want to wait to try again. I told him yes immediately. This didn't break me I'm not scared. Just didn't happen like I expected. It's God's plan not mine and it will always turn out better that way.

Recovery

I am now in recovery. I feel more like myself today than I have in the last 3 weeks. I thank God for that. I went to the doctor today for post opt checkup. I made it through the appointment without crying one tear. Today was the first day I was able to talk about it and not feel so emotional overwhelmed that I was brought to tears.

God had been working on me last week to get a video made about it. I did it on Monday it was hard, but I definitely think it was therapeutic. I even thought about editing the video down to not feel so exposed and I couldn't once I looked at it. I know it was all needed. I found out 25% of woman experience ectopic pregnancy. I never even considered this was something I would go through or knew it was a thing.

Now that I know I don't want another woman to feel as alone as I did. To not just be able to miscarry after the baby isn't going to develop, but to have the baby cut out was so painful. I thank God it was not a still born. I have got on the other side of the darkness I felt. Will I still have times when I get sad about it, yes. Will I always remember I lost my first child, yes.

God saved my life. Reminded me he gave me someone who loves me, covers me, and that I will be able to create more life with. Strengthening me every day and getting me back on track with the things I am supposed to be doing. I laughed today. I ran into someone today and didn't feel like I was wearing a mask of a fake smile. I felt stronger than my old self. I lived through something that could have taken my life. Lived through an experience I thought would have taken my sanity. Came out on the other side grateful for everything God has done, is doing, and will continue to do.