The ONE that can fix it

My pastor brought a message from ISamuel about Hannah. Now the message broke me done because all my grief came up. She said Hannah to go talking to her friends about the problem. She went to the one who could fix it. She took it to God and poured it all out on the alter. It made me reflect on me going to God about my situation superficially.

Now when I was going through the loss and surgery and recovery. I was being very vulnerable and transparent with God about the pain and suffering I was in. I even sat with God after I started healing in my heart about it. Had I made being a mother an idol? In a way I had I was ready to risk my life to make it happen. I wanted to know what it felt like to grow a life inside of me. When it came to us trying again. I would pray before we had sex. I even had been anointing our room and bed with oil. I had not really just bared it all. I guess I thought he knew from the cries of my heartache.

I felt it again yesterday and I talked to God about exactly what I wanted to happen. I talked to him about a few other things. I couldn't shake m grief for a while. When it was time for bed. I went and cleaned out the tub and ran a bath. I lit a few candles and turned on some worship music. I wanted to leave it all in the water and I did. I stayed in the tub for like two hours. I cried, worshiped, cried some more, prayed. The tea candles were burning out and I felt so much better.

I feel lighter today. I got up and my sister had called. I called her back and had some much needed laughter. Got on cleaning my house and was grateful to God that I did instead of laying around like I wanted to. The house feels better. I need to walk through and give it some fresh prayer and anointing. Welcome the Holy Spirit in and flush everything else out. Why dwell on it I already talked to the one that will fix it.

Uniquely made

I have been feeling a type of tug a war of between who God has created me to be and what is acceptable in the eyes of the "church". We are the church and there are a lot of things the church will make you feel shame about that God doesn't make me feel shame about. It's more of me walking in my gifts and anointing, while trying not to get pulled in by the religious spirit. The church has lost its connection with winning souls because of the constant judgement of people that God is trying to reach.

For the last few months, I have been reading and hearing about Deborah. She was a judge and a leader in battle. She stayed between the ones leaving and coming into holy grounds. I have been feeling this so heavy. Clearly when you give your yes to God. There will be things that change in you naturally. God cleaned me up from drinking, smoking, and from people that would not encourage my spiritual growth. So quickly when we get saved to Christian's forget how hard it is without God.

We are still human. We can still have regular conversations. We can still laugh and spread joy. We are supposed to be leading with love. We are supposed to be a reflection of God that brings people to Christ. You should be able to spread the word of God without causing offense. I am a living witness that sometimes your presence will cause people to be offended when they aren't ready to change, but it should not be your words. Bringing the word of God without love is not what God intended.

God made us all uniquely different for a reason. There is something special he put just in you. Don't lose it in either direction. Trying to fit into the world or to the religious spirit. There are people that will turn to God for the special way he made you. Now you know your personal convictions, but I will continue to bring a smile to the world. I will dance. I will shine my light to all I come across. I will take in nature for the beauty God created it to be. I will hea from the earth through natural food and herbs. I will be who God created me to be.

Appreciation

I love when summer is about to break. You still have the rain and the cool breezes of spring. Nurturing in and strengthening growth, but the heat has not quite hit. The birds are chirping, and you can just put your feet in the grass and take it all in. That you are just a small piece of all the beauty God created. You can just sit back and take in a deep breath being reminded that things are awakening. Winter is behind you once again and life is regenerating in the earth.

May is the month that you see the results of April's rain. I get to put my hands in the dirt. Let the indoor plants out for a while to experience everything God intended for them. There is something relaxing about this time. Of course, I am able to get back outside to exercise and do my yoga but there is just a peace in the air.

It brings our playful nature out. The kids return outside, and laughter feels the air again. Barbeques begin and people begin to commune with each other once again. The sun begins to break through the clouds and shine on us and everything else God created. It just brings me to another transition of awe in who God is.

That we are never stuck in a season, even though sometimes it feels like it will never pass. The season will pass the warmth will return. We can open up our windows again and let the smooth breeze flow through the house. Cleaning out all the stuffy and stale air. Bringing in a freshness that you can breathe deeply again. I appreciate the very detail you put in everything you do God.