Grateful in disappointment

Ideally, we should know God has a plan for us and patiently wait for how it plays out. More than not, we begin planning the way we would like it to work. We start talking to God about our plan and ask him to bless it. Not saying what we are asking for is wrong. Just God's plan and our plans don't always add up to the same path.

I fell into this. Everything is going good. I felt like this was the time for the next thing to be happening. I got disappointed that it was not happening in my time. I had been in a place of being grateful but also trying to nudge God. I woke up and almost fell into sadness. I had to take a minute and shake it off. I am in a place that I have everything I need. I just celebrated my anniversary and am surrounded by love.

I had to correct myself in wanting to be upset about what I had not yet received. When I was in a place that a year ago, I couldn't imagine. God, I thank you for seeking me. I thank you for the growth in our relationship. I thank you how you show up for me. I thank you for who you have already been in my life. I thank you for loving me in a way I never knew possible. I thank you for breath and my health. I thank you for your guidance and direction to get to where I am. I thank you for showing me and teaching me how, when I never knew I could. I thank you for my Husband and children. I thank you for freeing me of loneliness. I thank you for who you have been, who you are, and thank you in advance for what you will do.

Trusting God

I have been in a space this last year that I had to get in the passenger seat and Trust God. I didn't know how the things he was showing me was going to happen. I knew I wanted to live them out and I couldn't do it on my own. I asked for help and watched God move.

I haven't heard people speak about the trust you have to create with each new level. I trusted God to help me not look to drugs or alcohol. I trusted God to show me who I needed to separate from. I trusted God to get me down the aisle. I even trusted God to come off my job. I said I trusted God for everything.

When I got past the things I had seen God do in other peoples life. My trust began to waiver. It was weird I kept praising him for what I said I knew he could do, but I kept thinking in the back of my mind how? Are you sure you were showing the right person this? I began to question even walking into my blessing, if it could be real?

God showed me Luke 9: 40-56 this morning. It was about the woman dealing with the bleeding issue for 12 years. I never really paid attention until today that Jesus was on his way to heal a 12 year old dying girl, when she touched him. It stopped Jesus in his tracks he said who touched me. Peter told him we are in a crowd of people a lot of people are touching you. Someones touch he felt power shift from him. The woman revealed herself and explained. Jesus told her she took a risk with trusting him. She was now healed and whole.

People came to the father of the little girl and said she had died. Jesus overheard.He told the father to trust him and it would be all right. They got to the little girl. Jesus only allowed the parents and Peter, James and John in with him. He said she was sleeping. Jesus grabbed her hand and said My gear child, get up. She got up instantly.

I thought about the number 12. The little girl had lived as long as the woman had the issue. I looked up what 12 meant in the bible. It said 12 meant perfect government - God's government, divine order. It gave me a peace. I have to to trust God that it will all happen in divine order.

Our Anniversary

I am in Awe of GOD that we have made it to our first year married so quickly. Two years ago I still didn't see marriage clearly but God carried me to the altar and has walked me through this first year. I have been so blessed. I wondered last year who I would be to the world. In one year God has made me a Wife, bonus mom, author, blogger, and pumping out video content like I never thought I could.

God is absolutely amazing. The grace and mercy I have been shown I can't explain it. God gets all the glory. We still have our struggles but I told God when we married I am going to keep you in everything I do. I meant everything I have even prayed on how to make love to my husband. How to eat, workout, and care for myself and family. God has been showing up and showing out.

This year our Anniversary falls on Father's Day so I am honored to celebrate my husband in two ways on the day we joined together. I took us yesterday to get some massages before we picked up the girls for the weekend. It was amazing ya girl definitely needed that. I have some good stuff planned for him though. He likes to get his own gifts, so I hope he enjoys what i picked out lol.

There was a time I didn't know if I could be a wife. Had everything of my past tainted me too much to see what Marriage was truly supposed to be. I didn't tell myself yes. I talked to God and asked him about it. God told me give it all over and he would help me work it out. I had held on to some of it so long when I thought I gave it all over. I was still holding somethings unconsciously.

God didn't judge me he just pointed them out so I could be lighter. As I did I seen those things weren't who I was but experiences i not only lived through but overcame. God started speaking to me about who he made me to be, and I was crazy enough to believe him. I now have been married for a year, growing in more love with my husband everyday, and just watched our oldest graduate Valedictorian. In a few months we will watch her go to college. I'm going to cry on the way, there, and back lol. I am so proud of us all.