Sacrifice is needed

Today I finished day 12 of my 30 day raw cleanse. I was in reflection today about all the things I needed to let go of to have the relationship with God that I have. As I can't wait to see how much better it can get. I think of the peace and joy I sit in today from giving up things that were harming me.

Most people think of the alcohol and drugs they had to give up. That may have been the easiest part for me. I had to give up my pride, survival mode, and thought that I had to do it alone. I woke up this morning in awe. I have been working on this lifestyle of clean eating and being chem free for 6 years now. I never once thought I would be capable of eating raw for more than a couple of days. Ya girl needs a hot meal. So I thought. I never even considered trying it because, why? To really think about it. Why is it so hard to eat food as it grows. Now I love fruit and vegetables. I had no problem eating the fruit raw, but other than a salad everything else is getting seasoned and hitting that fire. I mean I had given up most things from how I grew up, let me have it right.

I feel such a clarity. The last couple of days I have been thinking about what my first meal would be after this 30 days of raw ended. Like in depth thought about it to the point I could taste it, but why? Why was I so pressed to ruin everything I has just done. Not to say cooked food is bad, but ya girl was thinking about fried onion rings and mushrooms. Like why would I do all this to put something so heavy right back on my stomach. I asked God to take the taste away for things I don't need. The same prayer I prayed when I was trying to stop smoking.

I felt so strong this morning. I will be at 2 weeks on Thursday, and if you would have told me I would even do two weeks raw I would have laughed. Here I am. God is a gentlemen he won't force his self in and he won't overwhelm us with all we have to do at one time. There was times where I tried and it would either lead me to smoking because I feel overwhelmed or stress eating. Today I am just proud that the things I have given up. I can see, were only for my benefit. It wasn't to hurt me but it felt so painful because they had been my crutch for so long. The subtle changes lead to me being able to start this process. Although I will eat cooked food again I will definitely go back into with a different mindset. I thank God for caring enough about me to be patient, and also hold my hand with every step.

God's Love

For my whole life I knew God was with me, but with all the pain and heartbreak I faced I couldn't understand God. It got me to the point where I only spoke to God when I was on the brink of a break down, feeling loveless, or just needed something I didn't see around me. I would often question God why did you create me to be abandoned, neglected, and without love. The creator of all things and you couldn't create one person to treat me the way I need to be cared for.

I numbed those feelings for the next decade with weed, alcohol, and sex. These things I could control. I could say when, where, and how much. I could fill up on these thing to the point I didn't have to feel anything if I didn't want. Well, that is what I told myself anyway. I would wake up the next day always regretting something. Even if it was from the way I dragged from just drinking too much. I would feel a sense of power from my sexual encounters because the men I knew didn't care about me like I needed. I had them in their most vulnerable state. They could never say they loved me or even when they did I never believed them. They didn't even know how to love themselves. In that moment I felt powerful, but only until they left again. I would smoke to relax and not think so much, but I often found myself thinking very intensely on things that didn't matter at all.

With all the numbing I was doing for years I could have faced the issues and been better. It all happens in God's timing though. I needed to meet my husband where I was at. Although I had started my healing journey, was eating cleaner, and practicing abstaining. I was still dealing with disappointment the same way. He needed to know my growth and progress to some extent. He needed to be there as I healed my relationship with my parents. As embarrassing as it felt at times because I felt like an emotional nut case. I wouldn't change a thing. I hide emotional vulnerability for years and I know understand the power it holds.

I am now able to tap into my femininity something I seen as weak before. I wanted the upper hand, and all it brought me was more pain. God began to speak to me about it being bigger than me. I had felt so alone in this world. He began to show me I would be married and have children. I had began healing because being angry began to be just as painful as the experiences that created it. To know I would have someone counting on and looking up to me. I had felt that before I am a sister and aunt. Full time though people I could call my own that never leave. My husband came with children to get me working on it before I would ever carry and I am so grateful. I learned a level of patience I never needed before.

I woke up this morning around 4 am just thanking God that I am living in the things I prayed for. I don't know that I was praying then more fussing at God for leaving me without. God can always meet us where we are. God just wants us to never forget he is the only one that is always there. God is the first true love I ever knew. God is probably the only unconditional love I will ever know. We as humans are flawed and there will be times that a disagreement will make us think less of each other. God created me knows my faults and where they came from. I never have to explain why I am crying. I never have to explain why I am over the moon. I never have to explain why I am the way I am. I just have to keep showing up daily and having a conversation that I can't have anywhere else any way. God knows my thoughts and knows I am inquisitive. That my intent is never to be hateful or judgmental. I just want to understand.

God's love is one of a kind and I would trade it for nothing in this world.

Starting my motherhood journey with a teenager.

When I met my husband his oldest was 13 going into her 14th birthday. I still was not at a point that I had decided if I was going to be a mother. I was actually getting into the mindset that if it didn't happen soon I had to just be ok with being an Aunt. Look at God bringing a man in my life with children. I honestly battled with it a lot. Although I knew I had to be different from anything I had known in the form of motherhood to them. I questioned God on why he had me wait to have children if my partner didn't wait on me. I thought I know God has a sense of humor, but he would never play such a cruel joke on me.

I just knew I had to show up. I didn't feel old enough to have a teenager. Like did I have enough wisdom yet to share with her. Although many of my classmates where in this same boat. I hadn't made the decision to have me here yet. As far as carrying her but I did chose to be with her father. So all I could do was show up with love. She was very quiet and reserved. Her little sister was more out spoken. I didn't have to read between the lines as much, but I didn't know my place. I was still talking to God if I even belonged here. As the years when on I started finding my footing. Still not wanting to step on any toes. Surprisingly I got more push back from my partner than their mother. We had connected and I felt she knew I wouldn't bring them any harm. My partner on the other hand spent time with them with me side by side. He felt judged by my opinions. I was very outspoken because I too came from a broken home. There were times where I needed my father and he wasn't there. He had the opportunity but in some ways just did not know how. I seen certain things she never had to put words to, and would try to get ahead of them. Once she found the language to speak her hurt. My heart shattered. I felt like I had watched an accident happened that I had warned the driver about, but it didn't stop the crash. I spent a lot of time trying to prevent things from happening. When I was just suppose to be the ear that listened. Be the safe space she could be vulnerable with.

She has now had her 18th birthday and I recently watched her go to prom with her boyfriend. She has become an intelligent young lady that is about to begin her won journey. Accepted into every school she applied to ready to spread her wings. I wonder did we prepare her enough for the heart ache of the world. Does she know how to read people. I pray over her discernment. That she knowns who she belongs to, that she never get caught up in man's validation. I also have to be comforted in the fact that she is not like me moving this world alone. She has a tribe of people who loves her that she can call if something goes wrong.

As she leaves the house we are starting this journey all over again. The second oldest of 3. Just had her 14th birthday and will be starting high school in the fall. She has expressed the same struggles as her older sister. She even talked to me about how much her sister influences everything she does. It was so cute, because to know her it isn't anything she would easily admit. I thank God that we had a trial run already. That I will be able to show up better in a different way. With the oldest I was not only navigating what being a bonus mom meant but also navigating who I was to my partner. We are married now and I am able to take my rightful place as someone who will always be in their life.

I know I will have my own children I have seen twin boys in my dreams. I thank God for the opportunity to be able to help raise these beautiful young ladies. For them to to teach me what motherhood is really about. I spoke to them in my vows about what this experience has really meant to me. Not only the experience of learning from and loving on them, but them loving me back. God has always found a way to prepare me for my next. I just hope to continue to keep growing and getting better.